Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
I Tour de Francy you.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
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