I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
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