“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
I love when you coddle me.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Potato puns are a-peeling.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
I scored when I met you.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
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