If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
How about you and I form a binary system?
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
You are so right. And I am so left.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
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