“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
One more thyme.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
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