Biology - It grows on you.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
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