“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
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