Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.

“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26

Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it

I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.

Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English

Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

I told you snow.

What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.

What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”

I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.

A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"

How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.

What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.

How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.

Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.

What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!

Deaf mute gets new hearing

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.

Are you a barista? I like you a latte

Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.

Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.

If there's a will, there's a wave.

Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!

What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

- Richard Lewis

I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.

What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.

How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.