What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
I goat this.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
You’re unbeleafable.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
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