Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
I think we're mint to be!
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
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