Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Whatever coats your boat.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
"Yoda one for me."
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
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