What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Give me some pigskin
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
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