Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
You’re unbeleafable.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
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