Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
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