What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
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