What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
I love you dairy much.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
"Partners in wine."
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
You snooze. You booze.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Are you a model?
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
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