"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
I always have a ball with you.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
I'd drink your bathwater.
Go big or go gnome.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Your lab or my lab?
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Go to BabaMail
