What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
I'm fondue you, it's true
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
You better beer-live it!
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
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