What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.

What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.

What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.

Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!

What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.

Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.

Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.

Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.

Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!

Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.

What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.

Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry

Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.

Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.

I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?

How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.

“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull

What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”

Wear green, or leaf.

How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.

What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.

A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.

Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.

What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.

What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller

What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.

"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"