You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
I think therefore I yam.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
I love you deerly.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
One should always practice what they peach.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
I'm Havana dream about you.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
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