Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
You’re sledding a fine line there.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
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