You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Books are my kind of texts.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Long thyme no see.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
My love for you simply radiates.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
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