What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Who’s your paddy?
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
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