Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
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