“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Shell-abrate the good times!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Calm before the score
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
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