According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.

CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase

Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.

You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.

How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.

"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri

"Family Love"

A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.

– Alison Jean Thomas

I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!

Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)

Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!

What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.

What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.

"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."

My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.

I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?

My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.

Do you want to be disappointed tonight?

How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Glow!

Glow who?

Glow worm!

What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.

Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.

My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!

Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.

"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."

What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.

I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?

What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.

What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!

Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.

How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.

Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!

Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?

Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams

Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling

What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!

New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...

I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets