Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
I only have ice for you.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
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