How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
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