Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
I wood never leaf you.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
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