"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
"Happy eggster."
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
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