How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
You are un-beer-lievable!
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Go to BabaMail
