I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Are you a red light because stop.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Go to BabaMail
