“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
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