It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
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