Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
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