Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Rebel without a Claus.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
I beacha miss summer already!
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
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