I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
I think therefore I yam.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Summer is just floating by.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Go to BabaMail
