Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
You mermake me happy.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
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