“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
I have a bone to pixie with you.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
I call the shots.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
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