What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
The goal nine yards
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
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