I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
All stereos are so typical.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Sleigh, what?!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
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