Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Someone said you were looking for me.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Writers have great climaxes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
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