Easter? I hardly even knew her.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
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