Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Say it ain’t snow.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
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