What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
"I don't tan. I burn"
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
I like long runs on the beach.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
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