How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
So … do you run here often?
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
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