And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
It’s snow joke.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
We bee-long together.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
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