All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Wear green, or leaf.
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