How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
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