The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
I'm the life of the paddy.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
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