“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Can February March? No. But April May.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Don't worry, bee happy!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Join us for plenty of play action.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
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