An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Your good weed for the day.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
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