What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Who’s your paddy?
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
I’m elf-taught.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
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