What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I followed my heart to you.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
How about a kanga-root?
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Readers do it by the book.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
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