Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
"Back that glass up."
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
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