Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
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