Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
"I whip my hare back and forth."
"On cloud wine."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
After all is sled and done.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
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