What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...

"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.

Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.

-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."

What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Jamaican.

Jamaican who?

Jamaican me horny.

What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.

Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.

What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!

What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!

The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.

Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.

What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.

Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.

You're such a TEAse.

What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!

What eats laptops? Computer worms.

What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.

Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.

I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.

What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”

Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.

Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.

How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console

What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!

I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'

Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.

People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.

I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”

Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.

There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."

People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."

The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.

You make miso happy.

The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.

Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.

What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson