"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Salty but sweet.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
"No eggs-cuses."
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Best in snow.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
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