When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
You are spud-tacular.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
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