I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
Your treat or mine?
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
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