What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Let's do lunge together
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
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