Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
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