“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
You’re wine in a million.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Your love will always be up to par.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
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