There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Baby, you're a firework.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
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