Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
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