What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Go to BabaMail
