I could never Passover you.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
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