“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Nathan compares to you
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
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