I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.

Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!

Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.

“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous

"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood

What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.

"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe

Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!

5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!

When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote

Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.

What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo

Too bad, if only I’d gnome!

What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman

Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"

How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.

Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."

What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.

"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock

What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."

When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"

Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.

What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.

I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.

Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon

The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."

I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!

A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.

What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.

Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.

“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”

― Richard Brautigan