I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
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