The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
That was thaw-some!
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
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