What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
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