I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Go to BabaMail
